The Last Airbender

"That...wasn't a good play."

The Last Airbender
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Written by M. Night Shyamalan
Starring Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz, Dev Patel, Jackson Rathbone, Shaun Toub, Aasif Mandvi and Cliff Curtis

M. Night Shyamalan really, really hates his children.

This may seem a harsh and libellous thing to say about a man who, to all intents and purposes, comes across as a fairly soft-spoken and affable filmmaker in interviews and press events. But honestly, it's starting to look like the only possible explanation for the events of the last few years. Take, for example, the fact that the universally-hated Lady in the Water was based on a bedtime story he created and told to his kids: how is that acceptable behaviour by anyone's standards? Most people found watching the film in cinemas to be traumatising enough; now imagine having some Indian guy coming into your bedroom and relating that stupid, stupid story to you while you're trying to sleep.

Similarly cruel and malicious intent can be detected in Shyamalan's latest film The Last Airbender, an adaptation of the award-winning, critically-acclaimed and generally beloved Nickelodeon animated series Avatar: The Last Airbender. As he tells it, the director was first inspired to take an interest in creating the film when one of his daughters approached him at Halloween, telling him that she wanted to dress as the show's female protagonist Katara. Which, of course, he seems to have taken as a cue to launch an elaborate multimillion-dollar passive-aggressive assault on her hopes and dreams.

A Considered Analysis of Sonic's Shitty Friends (TM)

In case you hadn't heard, a violent massacre is currently taking place over at Sonic the Hedgehog HQ. Disillusioned with years of underachievement, waning credibility and increasingly venomous critical notices, Sonic Team is conducting a large-scale slash-and-burn operation as part of its latest attempt to breathe life into its bloated corpse of a franchise.

The primary victims of this slashing and burning are the hedgehog's previously-ballooning social network of buddies, rivals and lovers, whose corpses will pave the way for Sonic's return to glory. Indeed, many members of the group commonly identified via the uncharitable umbrella term "Sonic's Shitty Friends" recently appeared in an Uma Thurman-style death list on Sega's US blog, with big scrawls through the names of those who have already been shipped to the glue factory.

Naturally, this news has been greeted with much rapture from fans, but for this blogger - who had come to view the Shitty Friends with a certain perverse fondness, as one would a group of inbred relatives – a certain sadness prevails. After all, a lot of misguided effort and love has gone into the development of the Shitty Friends over the years, and it seems criminal to throw all of that away, which is why I have put together this analysis of the major players of the crazy gang to see who (if anyone) deserves to survive this Night of the Long Knives.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

"This movie walks through the raindrops."

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak
Written by Justin Marks
Starring Kristin Kreuk, Chris Klein, Neal McDonough, Robin Shou, Moon Bloodgood, Josie Ho, Taboo and Michael Clarke Duncan

Expectations can be a dangerous beast. Good buzz and fevered anticipation are craved above all else by advertisers and marketing men, particularly when dealing with a fan-favourite property, but all too often it is these expectations that can be a film's worst enemy. Nothing prompts more despair than shattered hopes, and the pain of seeing something turn out badly is often as nothing compared to the feeling of loss over what might have been.

In case you haven't guessed, none of this preamble is even remotely relevant to Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. As a Hollywood videogame adaptation, this film crawled into cinemas early in 2009 with precisely one hopeful objective; to better the horrendous Jean-Claude Van Damme Street Fighter movie that was vomited onto our collective faces in 1994. That The Legend of Chun-Li manages to fail to reach even that meagre target is at once astonishing and deeply hilarious.

Batman: Arkham Asylum

"...Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Become The Goddamn Batman."

Batman: Arkham Asylum
Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and PC
Developed by Rocksteady Studios

Batman: Arkham Asylum is a game which functions far, far better than anyone could have reasonably expected it to. A licensed superhero brawler from a largely unknown gamemaker, it seems like the sort of game which was just waiting to show up and let everybody down, even despite the impressive budget it has clearly commanded.

Yet Rocksteady Studios has acquitted itself with flying colours, with Arkham Asylum debuting to strong sales and a critical welcome warm enough to net the title a (spurious) Guinness World Record. The praise, however, is justified.

Welcome, welcome!

...and welcome to Maus Talks with Maustallica, an amateur but enthusiastic reviewer of undefined things. Over the course of the coming weeks, I will be using this site to post thoughts, musings and analysis of whatever comes to my attention, be it a game, a film, a TV show, a toy, or an anything.

As such, I cannot promise that content which appears here will be a) regular, b) consistent or c) of interest to anyone other than myself; I will, however, always try to compose my thoughts in as articulate and considered a manner as I can before I vomit them into your brains.

In the unlikely event that anyone reads any of this, please feel free to comment or share your thoughts. If even one person finds what I have to say informative or interesting, that's good enough for me!

I HATH CREATED LIFE

...or a blog, at least. Let's see how this goes.