In case you hadn't heard, a violent massacre is currently taking place over at Sonic the Hedgehog HQ. Disillusioned with years of underachievement, waning credibility and increasingly venomous critical notices, Sonic Team is conducting a large-scale slash-and-burn operation as part of its latest attempt to breathe life into its bloated corpse of a franchise.
The primary victims of this slashing and burning are the hedgehog's previously-ballooning social network of buddies, rivals and lovers, whose corpses will pave the way for Sonic's return to glory. Indeed, many members of the group commonly identified via the uncharitable umbrella term "Sonic's Shitty Friends" recently appeared in an Uma Thurman-style death list on Sega's US blog, with big scrawls through the names of those who have already been shipped to the glue factory.
Naturally, this news has been greeted with much rapture from fans, but for this blogger - who had come to view the Shitty Friends with a certain perverse fondness, as one would a group of inbred relatives – a certain sadness prevails. After all, a lot of misguided effort and love has gone into the development of the Shitty Friends over the years, and it seems criminal to throw all of that away, which is why I have put together this analysis of the major players of the crazy gang to see who (if anyone) deserves to survive this Night of the Long Knives.
